Literary Nymphs Interview
Title: Made in China:
The Great Wall
Author: Z. Allora
Publisher: MLR Press
Genre: gay romance
Release Date: 07/26/13
Do you write in more than
one genre?
Oh… you mean there’s other genre than M/M? Ah, yes I have a faraway memory
of other genres but no I've only published in the gay romance genre.
What if any, is the hardest
part of writing for you?
Staying on the story I am working on. There are too many distracting plot
bunnies that demand attention. I've learned to acknowledge them by taking
notes. But I don't have to follow the plot bunny all the way down his path. I
just need to capture his information and put it in a file so we both know I'll
be back. This process allows me to not become completely derailed by chasing a
new bunny. Also inspirational pictures keep me focused on my current story.
What inspired the story?
My affinity for hot rocker stories combined with my experience of living in
China for six years explored
into Made in China.
In China
there is no gay. It simply doesn't exist. Ask anyone outside of Shanghai and you'll be
told "That's a Western concept. There are no gay people here." I was
just finishing up book 2 of The Dark Angels series Tied Together when I saw the
Fallen Angel video from Black Veil Brides. Oh my… instantly book 2 of Made in China tried to
write itself without a title, book 1 or character names. Made in China:
The Great Wall explores what it is like to be gay in a country where gay
doesn't exist. The book begins before
there's even a band and I must say their first gig was so bad I didn't know how
there'd be a book 2. Around this same time, I discovered a band called X Japan.
I loved watching them on the Youku videos and was greatly disturbed that one of
the members may have died during auto erotic asphyxiation. I was devastated
Hideto Matsumoto died years before but I couldn't leave him in the past. I
couldn't help but wonder what could have happened if he'd been found and lived.
((A reminder breath play is
dangerous. 500-1000 people die each year… it might be more because sometimes
it's ruled as a suicide… just be careful with yourself.))
Blurb:
Jun "Styx" Wong's heart and mind battle to determine his
destiny. His mind tells him to be a good Chinese son and marry the girl his
parents chose, but his heart longs for his best friend, Jin, and life with
their new band. "Jun" means honesty, but he's not even honest with
himself. A quest to eradicate his feelings for Jin nearly ends his life.
Styx's near death serves as a wake-up call for Jin, whose
blond hair--legacy of his German father--marks him as different. Jin harbors
secrets of his own. His experiences prepare him to take the drastic measures
needed to help Jun overcome the walls surrounding them.
EXCERPT:
Chapter One
So close. It’s finally going to happen. Just a little more. Almost…there.
Going out of my mind.
Jun Tai “Styx” Wong’s cock hadn’t allowed
him an orgasm for over two weeks. The freaking thing would barely get hard. It
must have been broken.
Now his cock stood erect in his hand. Styx
blocked out his grandmother’s voice in his head, her stern lectures of how
unhealthy it was to touch himself. Her berating him about how good Chinese boys
didn’t do such filthy things.
His body didn’t care. It craved those elusive contractions he’d discovered
by accident. At thirteen, the incredible mystery of orgasm unfolded for him in
the shower. What he did was wrong, so he kept it a secret, even from Jin.
A forbidden image invaded Styx’s mind, but
he was too close to climax to fight what he needed desperately.
Jin Lan.
His best friend Jin’s toned body danced through his head.
So wrong.
No man should think of another man this way, but he only needed to keep the
forbidden picture in his mind a few more moments.
The image morphed, taking away his breath. Jin’s blond head tilted and his
soulful gray eyes stared at Styx with love.
Yes, love—not friendship.
In his mind, Styx had Jin love him. He
forgot about right and wrong and pretended Jin returned the love he shouldn’t
have bursting through him. He almost touched the perfect mouth, traced Jin’s
open lips… He licked his own mouth trying to get a taste of his fantasy.
Styx’s body inched toward
completion. He twisted the piece of wood to tighten the towel around his neck
as he tugged his shaft, panting to steal air into his lungs. In his mind, Jin’s
fingers ran through Styx’s long hair to pull
him closer as if Jin needed him too.
Loved him in the same way Styx so dearly
loved Jin.
No! I can’t think about this. It’s wrong even to pretend we could be
lovers. It isn’t done.
But heaven forgive me, I love him with all my heart.
I need this.
I can’t stop. Forgive me.
Styx lost his breath at another
shiver of pleasure. His imagination pushed past its dilemma. He twisted the
towel tighter.
In fantasy, he kissed Jin back. His mouth locked onto those lush lips with
passion he’d never experienced outside daydreams. His hands skimmed down Jin’s
gorgeous yoga-tight body to cup the ass that haunted Styx’s
dreams.
Squeezing the rounded flesh, he pulled Jin close, but it was never enough.
The kiss lingered, gaining in intensity. In Styx’s
mind, Jin was experienced, amazing. Jin was treating Styx
like one of his VIP clients—
No!
The thought would break his heart anew. He forced himself to enjoy the skilled
kisses as soft lips traced down his neck. A wet tongue trailed lower onto his
throat. When Jin’s sweet mouth stilled over Styx’s pulse point, he bit the side
of Styx’s neck.
Styx groaned with desire as Jin’s
teeth nibbled him. A sharp nip made him gasp Jin’s name.
Styx stroked faster. His breaths
diminished to shallow gulps. In his mind, Jin leaned back with a sexy smile.
His voice low and sultry, Jin whispered, “I want to see you, Styx.
Come right now. Come for me.”
The fantasy of his best friend’s mesmerizing mouth recaptured Styx’s lips in a steamy kiss, and come fountained from
his cock. Just as Jin demanded, Styx’s body
finally let go.
“Oh! Fuck! Yeah! Yes!” Styx’s body rippled
joyously as he shot out two weeks’ worth of pent up frustration, all for Jin.
He rubbed out his full release as he imagined Jin caressing his mouth and
cuddling him.
The floaty, happy sensation began dragging him into the darkness.
No, not yet. I need to…
Everything went black.
1994
I watched myself. I was no more than five years old, playing with my
favorite stuffed animals. I held a wedding for them sitting on the hardwood
floor in the bedroom I shared with my sister. My other stuffed toys and my
sister’s bears were lined up watching the event.
My grandfather came into the room. I grinned at him with adoration. He took
care of me while my parents and grandmother worked. He gave me a warm smile as
he sat next to me.
“Who is that?” he asked, touching the bunny who’d seen a lot of love.
“Me.” I didn’t bother to give my attention to my Ye Ye because I was midway
through my rabbit and bear wedding ceremony. The seriousness of the situation
seemed lost on my Ye Ye but I loved him anyway.
“Who is that?” Ye Ye pointed to the smaller bear with button replacement
eyes.
“That’s Jin.” I laughed. “Who else would it be? Don’t you know anything, Ye
Ye?”
I peeked up at my Ye Ye and grinned, hoping he would be pleased, but he
wasn’t smiling.
Ye Ye frowned and appeared confused. “Jin? Isn’t he the new boy in school?”
I was proud my Ye Ye remembered my best friend. “Yes. He has hair like
golden flowers. Jin’s nice. He gave me his juice at break time. I gave him my
cookies. Someday, I’m going to marry him.”
Ye Ye laughed like I had told a funny joke. “Boys don’t marry boys, silly.
You’ll find a good Chinese girl and marry her.”
How could Ye Ye say such a thing? I didn’t want to marry a stinky old girl!
I was marrying Jin. “No!” I squeezed my bunny and bear hard, wanting somehow to
make Ye Ye stop saying things like that.
“Boys don’t marry boys.” He said like he thought I was two fifty. My mama
said I shouldn’t think bad things because it will make me say them. I shouldn’t
think of being called a two fifty. I learned a person who isn’t fully developed
in his mother and is born after only two hundred and fifty days is not ready.
The kids at school said being born too early makes you stupid.
Well, I’m not stupid. “I don’t care. I will marry Jin.”
“You will not marry Jin. He can be your friend, but boys cannot marry other
boys.” Ye Ye said it firmly, making me sad and angry.
“I wanna marry Jin!” I stood tall and stomped my foot. “I will!”
Ye Ye frowned. “He’s a boy. His father isn’t Chinese. He’s from Germany. You’ll
marry a nice Chinese girl.”
I didn’t have a clue where Germany
was or why it should matter. “I don’t care! I’m going to marry him, and we’ll live in
a great big house.”
Ye Ye hugged me to stop my pouting fit. “You’ll see. Jin and you will find
Chinese girls to marry.” He smiled at me. “But you can always be friends.”
I opened my mouth to say more, but Ye Ye put a finger to my lips. “No more
of this bad talk. Be a good boy.”
2003
There wasn’t much to do in our hometown for two fourteen-year old boys,
other than helping out at the music store in exchange for lessons. Our hometown
of Yintang was boring. Jin and I were hanging out at his house playing a game
when he blurted nonsense about a girl in our class.
“What do you mean you think you like her?” I tried not to sound jealous,
but I was. I couldn’t help it.
“I don’t know. I guess I like her or something.” Jin shrugged.
“Why?” I swallowed hard as I tried not to cry. How could he like her?
Why did he like her? Why didn’t he like me?
“She’s cute, I guess.” Jin said it like it wasn’t a big deal. “What’s the
matter with you?”
“Nothing.” I stood, abandoning our game. “I have to go.”
My heart had been kicked out of my chest. Jin liked someone else. My whole
world had collapsed and I didn’t want to have to smile. I was glad no one was
home when I arrived so I didn’t have to pretend nothing was wrong.
I picked up my drumsticks and started practicing. I didn’t have drums, but
I would someday. Or at least, I hoped I would. For now, I hit the table in
front of me. I thumped out a beat until the pain eased.
The girl Jin liked wasn’t ugly, but she certainly wasn’t pretty. If he had
to like someone at least she should be pretty. She looked like a boy. If Jin
liked her, did that mean he was going to kiss her? Probably.
I tapped a faster beat as I tried to outrun my thoughts.
2004
I was still flying high from playing the drums at the music store when Bi
Yu, the girl who lived next door, caught me in the alleyway between our houses.
She wasn’t terrible and kind of pretty. She rambled to me about her cousin’s
cousin’s best friend’s opinion on clothes shopping.
I didn’t care which shop in town had the best clothing. I hoped to make her
stop talking, so I kissed her mouth. I was fifteen and never kissed anyone
other than my family, but I pushed my lips right onto hers.
Maybe I wanted to feel a kiss. Maybe I thought it would help me figure out
why Jin kissed many different girls.
I held her shoulders, but Bi Yu didn’t try to get away. She kissed me back.
“Hey!” her grandmother yelled. She must’ve been spying out the window.
Just my luck!
I took off down the alley and avoided going home until dinnertime.
Apparently, Bi Yu’s grandmother had a ‘discussion’ with my mother. No one
was mad at me, but I was told not to display such affections in public again.
“Public? I was behind the house.” Somehow, it was an important point.
My father chuckled as if he were proud of me. At my mother’s foul
expression, he became serious. “We are pleased you like Bi Yu. But restrain
yourself. Her family will not let her marry until you have enough saved.”
“Marry her?” What? Why would I marry her? I didn’t want to marry her. I
hadn’t really even wanted to kiss her!
“Shh, it’s okay. We understand. You will finish high school. We’ve saved
enough for you to graduate.” My father beamed with pride at affording me such a
privilege. I would be the first and possibly only one in our family to graduate
high school. Paying for me to finish school meant my sister wouldn’t.
“What about Jinjing?” My sister deserved to finish school. She studied hard
and was smart. She’d do well in business.
My father waved off my concern. “She’s a girl. Jinjing will work in the big
department store on Walking Street.
She’s pretty enough to marry.”
Under his intense stare, I squirmed in my seat.
“You’ll be the man who moves this family up in status. By marrying Bi Yu,
you not only preserve our property lines but also increase them. We can attach
a covered courtyard between the two homes. With high school, you’ll be able to
get a decent job, so study hard.”
My father’s decree set my path in stone. My agenda was to finish high
school, get a good job, and save enough money to marry Bi Yu. My family’s
success rested on my fifteen-year old shoulders.
There was nothing more to be said. My family counted on me fulfilling the
destiny chosen for me. My job as a good son was to follow the path set before
me.
2006
I stopped by Jin’s house to pick him up before heading to the music store,
relieved his mother was at work or maybe at the doctor’s again. She always
wanted to make polite small talk or asked embarrassing questions about school.
Most people of my parent’s generation didn’t get to finish high school, so they
all seemed curious about the instruction we received. Not many high school
seniors existed in my town.
Without the awkward delay, I went right up the stairs. Jin was lucky; he
didn’t have to share his bedroom. It was small, but it was all his.
I sauntered in without knocking. “C’mon, Jin. The music store got in a new
set of drums. I want to try them out.” Jin jumped off the bed. The older guy
lounging on the bed sat straighter and glared as he crossed his leg over his
knee. I interrupted something, but I didn’t know what.
I’d never seen this guy. He appeared to be in his mid-twenties. “Who’s he?”
Jin’s face reddened. I hoped he wasn’t catching something.
“A friend.”
I rolled my eyes and put my hands on my hips. Was Jin thirteen o’clock?
Of course he was a friend. Who else would be in Jin’s bedroom?
The man eyed me in annoyance. “I’m Ming. I’ve been speaking to Jin about
working for me.”
He needed work. Jin’s mother was getting sicker and didn’t know how long
she could continue to work. She couldn’t afford to send him to high school.
“Doing what?”
“Apprenticing as a massage therapist.” The guy stood and adjusted his pants
as he studied me. He sized me up as if buying a scooter. “You want to be a
therapist too?”
His voice sounded funny.
Before I opened my mouth, Jin shouted, “No!” He cleared his throat. “He’s
finishing school.”
The guy smirked at Jin. I disliked this Ming.
“Stop by the shop. We need to finish…discussing the job.”
Jin frowned but nodded.
Once the guy left, I flopped onto the bed and tapped out a beat on my
knees. “Well, that’s great news. You’ll have a job. Massage therapists work in
air con all summer.”
“Yeah.” Jin turned away to stare out his small window.
2008
I was almost nineteen years old and I had a ‘girlfriend.’ I didn’t hold a
grudge against Jin for dating, he’d have to get married at some point too. We
still worked together at a tiny music shop downtown. I went after my shift at
the factory and Jin came after his shift at the spa, where he worked with some
of the VIP clients.
Mr. Lu and his wife owned the shop. Their only son died before we were
born. The couple worked long after they wished to retire because there was no
one to take care of them. In exchange for helping around the shop, we got a
little spending money and, more importantly, music lessons. The money wasn’t
great since they could only afford one of us, but Mr. Lu taught us to play. He
kept telling us we had potential but we lived in Yintang. We had no possibility
of ever doing anything with our music but we enjoyed playing.
Jin played his guitar and I pounded out a beat on the drums. We weren’t
very professional, but after we were done moving inventory and doing all the
other work Mr. Lu wasn’t able to do anymore, Jin and I played our hearts out
under his strict guidance.
“One more time,” the old man demanded. He cued up other instruments to
accompany us electronically. Our playing drew a small crowd of onlookers, and
some of them even signed up their kids for music lessons.
“Okay, this time, Jin, less treble. And, Styx,
pick up the pace.” The owner never remembered my name so he started calling me
Drumsticks. Jin knew I hated the dumb nickname. He shortened and changed the
spelling to Styx. Thankfully, the name stuck.
The old guy couldn’t afford to run the air con, which meant his shop turned
into an oven each summer. The air tasted hot and muggy, but when we played, I
never noticed anything except Jin, the music, and my drums. When we were
playing nothing brought me down.
That night, we were dripping with sweat, so we decided to stop at the lake
on the way home. At dusk, the man-made lake was deserted. Jin’s clothing
littered the wooden boardwalk. As I stripped, too, I battled the temptation to
stare at him. I sighed with relief at the splash as he dove into the water and
out of sight. I jumped in after him, hoping he wouldn’t notice my arousal.
Cypress trees and
chrysanthemums surrounded the lake, allowing a sense of privacy. Hearty
rosebushes with their red, peach, and yellow flowers were in full bloom,
scenting the air with their fragrance.
A pedestrian on the park’s walkway wouldn’t see us. We were in our own
world, gently lit by the neon signs reflected in the water. Even the songs the
crickets sang were muted.
I shivered as Jin swam up to me.
“You cold?” His quiet voice seemed loud in the stillness of the night.
I shook my head and ducked under the water. When my lungs hurt from lack of
oxygen, I burst into the air. Jin was nowhere to be seen. I turned until I
caught sight of a few bubbles, which gave away his location.
When I paddled over, Jin grabbed me around the waist and wrestled me under
the water. He wrapped me up tight as he twirled us in some strange underwater
dance. Just when I decided his hug was better than air, he took us to the
surface.
His arms didn’t drop away. He kept me close to him within the circle of his
embrace. He stared as if waiting for me to do something. My heart raced, and
despite the cool water, my cock grew rock hard. I hoped he didn’t realize my
firmness pressed against his leg.
I tried to move away, but his toned appendages didn’t release me. “Tell me,
does Bi Yu let you…do things?”
“Argh! What? No! I mean, I’m not going to say.” It was none of his business
what I did or didn’t do with Bi Yu, though the idea of being intimate with her
made me queasy. I tried not to dwell on my future relationship with her.
“Do you hold her like this?” His voice dropped as he pulled me closer into
a lover’s embrace. His fingers combed through my hair tenderly, making my heart
twist. I loved his touch but hated that he only teased me.
“Get off me!” I had to make him stop before I did something I shouldn’t. I
protested and struggled, but he didn’t release me.
“Do you kiss her neck?” He moistened his lips before he trailed them down
my throat. Before I could stop myself, I’d tilted my head to give him access.
His soft lips caressed my throat, driving me mad. I tried to fight, but my
body wound up and wanted more kisses. My cock didn’t understand he was
pretending. If I didn’t make him stop, I would come. Right there in the cold,
dirty lake, I would humiliate myself. I was going to shoot off in my best
friend’s arms.
Disappointment rushed through me as I pushed him and he finally let me go.
The light from the neon played tricks with the shadows because he appeared
hurt. He turned and did a shallow dive. We swam a little longer, but the
tension between us couldn’t be broken.
2012 (One year ago)
After Jin got his massage therapist certification, he wanted to move. We
kept having the same conversation about it. “Come with me to Suzhou,
Styx. The big boss wants me in his new spa. I
contacted my mother’s brother, and he wants us to live in his apartment.”
Suzhou was a small town by Chinese
standards, with only nine million people, but it was a growing city two hours
west of Shanghai.
I really wanted to go, but it wasn’t because of Suzhou. Moving would be a way to be with Jin.
“Why doesn’t he rent out his apartment?”
“He wants me closer to him and he can’t trust a renter to take care of the
place like we would.” True, we wouldn’t trash it the way many people would by
being careless. “Sometimes, renting costs more in terms of repairs then leaving
it vacant.”
We were on the edge of the lake. Jin practiced yoga, and I tapped a pair of
chopsticks on the bench, trying not to stare. He’d started doing yoga a few
years ago, and the exercise toned his body. Not that I noticed. I tried to
distance myself from the inappropriate feelings.
A question had buzzed around my head since I heard the rumors about what
massage therapists did with VIPs. The question tumbled from my lips. “Is it
true?”
“What?” Jin twisted into another impossible yoga pose.
I pulled my gaze from his body. “What people say happens in the VIP room.
Is it true?”
“What do—” He glanced over at me. Jin sighed and bent over to reach his
hands far between his legs on the lake’s boardwalk.
“Yeah.”
The affirmation made me sick. “How could you do that?”
“It’s just another muscle. I rub it if it’s tense.” He shrugged as if
trying to convince himself what he did in the name of work was no big deal.
I tried to erase the image of Jin stroking off some guy. I pretended it
didn’t matter if he touched girls, but if he wanted to touch a guy, it should
be me.
But he didn’t want to do that; it was the job.
I watched as he stretched one yoga position into another. The beat of my
wooden sticks faltered.
“My teacher is preparing me how to work with some of our special VIP
clients.” He talked while he held a position which made his ass arch in my
direction as he stretched his arms forward. “Some people have special needs…”
He released the position and turned to peek at me through his blond hair.
It sparkled in the sunshine. My breath caught. At times, his beauty hurt my
heart to watch him.
“What special needs?” What else did Jin do? To distract myself, I restarted
a fast beat on the bench.
He took several deep breaths before relaxing into the warrior pose.
“Sometimes, a big businessman wants to give up control. The spa offers it to
some of the clients.”
“Not wanting to be in control? Who wouldn’t want to be in control?” I shook
my head in confusion as he smiled at me. My chopsticks dropped out of my hands.
I had to ask. “Are you a whore?”
What else did you call someone who got people off for money?
Jin didn’t seem offended. “Of course not. I don’t fuck anyone. I provide a
service. It isn’t about sex.”
A big part of me didn’t want to know, because then I’d be forced to
acknowledge it. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I picked up my makeshift
drumsticks and changed the subject. “I thought your mother didn’t talk to her
brother.”
From the time Jin’s mother became pregnant with him until her death last
year, she was estranged from her family. The entire clan had disowned her when
Jin’s father didn’t marry her when she got pregnant with Jin except her
brother. They had disowned her brother long before her misfortune but he
remained in contact through letters. I had no clue why Jin’s family cut his
Uncle Bao-zhi out of the family. But he always sent money and presents for Jin
so he couldn’t have been a bad guy.
“They only exchanged letters, but at the end, she gave me his address since
he would be the only family I would have.”
“I’m your family.” I said it without thinking, but I meant it.
He smiled as he bent into another position and held it. “I know.”
Jin sounded like he understood what he meant to me. I liked that.
“Styx, I want you to come to Suzhou
with me. Please! You aren’t making a lot in the factory. At this rate, you’ll
be eighty before you have enough for Bi Yu’s family to let you marry.”
Maybe not being able to marry was the point. My hands flew as I rapped out
a fast beat. I still dreaded the day I’d have to marry her. She wasn’t a bad
choice, but I didn’t desire a wife. Judging by the time I’d spent with her, it
seemed like she didn’t wish for me to be her husband.
Something was wrong with me, something no one would ever understand. How
could they? I didn’t want what everyone else wanted. I turned away from Jin. I
didn’t want him to read me.
“Please. The big boss said he’d have a job for you. You’d be like a manager
or something of the spa.” When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “My uncle
says we can stay rent-free in his investment property. The apartment is right
on the lake. Because of the new regulations, he can’t sell it for three more
years. All we’d have to do is keep it clean. But utilities and everything would
be included.”
Jin would go with or without me. Nothing bound him to our hometown. He was
free, and he could fly.
I didn’t want to be left behind…not yet.
Jin emerged from his pose and shifted into another. He grabbed his ankle
and twisted it above his head. It was impossible for me to refuse him when he
moved so sensually.
I tried not to notice what the stretching did to his thin white pants. I
twisted around on the bench to hide my erection as I tucked the chopsticks in
my back pocket.
“My uncle has a friend who might know some guys who are searching for band
members.”
My dreams of being a drummer died the day my mother snapped my drumsticks
in half, and told me to stop being foolish. Even though our music teacher thought
we had ‘great’ potential no one else seemed to believe that, including me.
Two weeks later…
Bi Yu twirled her hair as I tried to tell her I needed to leave. Her eyes
kept drifting to the farmer’s son packing her mother’s order. Accompanying her
to the wet market was the closest we ever came to a date. Every few days, I
accompanied her and carried her family’s meat and vegetables back to their
house.
She treated me more like a pack animal than a boyfriend.
“Did you hear me? I’ve decided to go to Suzhou.”
She nodded her head and flipped her long hair like a movie star, but she
didn’t spare me a glance. Her gaze seemed glued to Cong’s shirtless body as he
selected the best produce for her.
“Um, how long will you be gone?” Her disinterested tone spoke volumes.
Cong’s head snapped up as if waiting for my answer.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess three to five years.”
I figured three to five years was the average time most people escaped to a
city before being forced into beneficial marriages.
“Oh, is that all?” She sounded dismayed.
“Yeah, I’ll probably come home when I can for the Spring Festival.”
“Oh, you don’t have to come back to visit me.”
Bi Yu made puppy eyes at Cong. He put extra carrots in her bag and winked.
“Thank you. That’s sweet of you.” Bi Yu batted her eyelashes at Cong.
She pushed the overflowing bag in my direction. It hit my chest with a
thump. Bi Yu leaned toward Cong as if she longed to be closer. Her voice turned
husky. “Cong, give my best to your parents.”
“Of course, Bi Yu, and extend my wishes of health to your family.” He
frowned at the need to acknowledge the fact I stood there.
“Oh, hey, Jun Tai.” He’d known since middle school I hated my given name.
My friends called me Styx. By calling me Jun
Tai, he indicated we were something else.
I acknowledged him. “Hey. I hope you’ll keep Bi Yu company while I’m gone.”
Cong’s eyes widened.
Bi Yu coughed and choked.
I glanced between them. “What? You shouldn’t sit home alone.”
Neither said a word.
Days later…
I sat next to Jin on the train to Suzhou.
I traveled with my family’s support; they were happy in the belief I’d left to
make more money to get married quicker. The sooner I married Bi Yu, the sooner
the family would be secure in their future.
Bi Yu was happy for the freedom my departure afforded her.
The train made the scenery zip by us. We had never even left the Anhui Province
before now. This was a huge deal. Opportunities like this weren’t an option
until the government recently loosened its regulations on travel within the
country. The prospect of a new place, a new job, and a new city to explore excited us beyond
anything we’d yet experienced.
Ten months ago
I should’ve been happy. The huge luxury apartment was beautiful. Suzhou was much bigger
than my hometown and boasted many more conveniences. The job running the spa
wasn’t everything I hoped, but I made decent money and sent most of it home.
Living with Jin was both heaven and hell. I got to see him all the time,
but it made the emotions I strove to suppress bubble to the surface. I feared I
would act on my thoughts and it would destroy our friendship. I put my desire
on lockdown.
I had problems getting off. Sadness and exhaustion overwhelmed me. The
sadder I got, the harder it was to get an erection, let alone actually come. It
was crazy! I was only twenty-two years old, and could barely get it up.
Of course, whom could I tell? I went to the clinic, talked about my
tiredness, and answered some questions. No one asked about the male
inadequacies that plagued me. The doctor diagnosed me as ‘depressed’. They gave
me two bottles of different anti-depressants and sent me on my way.
I took the medicine as prescribed. I was still lost, but I found if I took both
pills the doctor gave me, it distanced me from my melancholy. The medicine
allowed me to be Jun Tai, the good Chinese boy who put his family’s best
interest first. It helped me bury Styx and his
dreams of music, freedom, and Jin.
But the medication made it even harder to orgasm. Sometimes, I went days
without relief. I hurt. It made me even less of a man than my wayward thoughts
toward Jin.
Six months ago
As my out of body experience continued I watched as I found the first site
on autoerotic asphyxiation, anger spread through me at my stupidity. I was
surprised China’s
Internet filters allowed access to this site but not to regular pornography.
The fact a regular pornography site might have helped me was not lost on me.
Even then, I knew asphyxiation was a bad idea. I didn’t care. Asphyxiation
had once been used to treat people with impotence. I ignored the fact the
treatment occurred in the 17th century. Desperate for the comfort
only climax brought, I did what I had to do.
The first time, it worked like a charm. I came without dwelling on
inappropriate thoughts. The release was strong. After I climaxed I pretended I
wasn’t a complete wreck. I was in control of my body again.
To be smart, I devised a schedule and did it once every other week on the
only night I had off which Jin didn’t. Each time the appointed day rolled
around, I shook with lust at the knowledge I would finally get some relief…even
though Jin had begun to seep back into my fantasies.
Today
As darkness encroached, a replay of perhaps my last day flashed through my
mind. I couldn’t wait for Jin to leave for his late shift at the spa. My hands
shook a little as I set up in the bathroom, the delicious anticipation racing
through me alongside guilt at doing something I shouldn’t. Through trial and
error, I’d found the towel bar in the bathroom gave me the right support. I
tightened the twisted towel with a wooden dowel.
With my defenses down, my mind sprinted to the one thing that guaranteed
I’d blow my load: Jin. The thoughts I avoided every other moment of my day made
me come perfectly.
I tried to loosen the towel, struggling to remain conscious but I wasn’t
able.
Before the blackness descended, bitter regret crashed over me. My life
would end before I’d lived it, before I explored the connection I had with Jin.
As I watched my pathetic life play out, fingers scrambling uselessly
against the stuck dowel, I realized he might have returned the affection, but
now I’d never know.
Anguish rushed to the forefront as every missed opportunity mocked my
fading existence. I despised myself for not taking all those opportunities and
not taking a chance to find a bit of happiness. I would die having buried who I
was.
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Author Bio:
Z. believes in soul mates,
love at first sight, and overcoming all odds to find happily ever afters. Born
in Upstate NY, Z. Allora and partner have spent the last fifteen years together
traveling across the United States,
the Middle East and Asia. These travels
provide the inspiration behind many of the detailed settings and characters
throughout Z.'s work. Z. received a Master degree in Psychology and Bachelor
degrees in both English and Philosophy. (though Z's editors would probably
question the English degree). Z. is both a writer and a huge fan of M/M romance
as well as Yaoi. It is said the pen is mightier than the sword. Z. thinks all
writers and publishers of M/M are promoting equality, since everyone deserves a
happily ever after.
